Unbreak Me.

0B783B66-7094-4C1C-92B1-EAA7186BDA03I’m broken, my heart,my soul, my mind, it’s broken. My love, my faith, my trust, all broken.

I don’t know how to heal my wounds, another cut, another blood spill. Takes a part of me every time. Please help me Lord to free my mind.

These thoughts are rushing around my head, maybe i would be better off dead. Please take these thoughts, please save my mind. I feel as though I’m running out of time.

In the mirror I don’t see me, I see someone I used to be. Someone broken, hurt and alone too afraid to pick up my phone.

The world around me is falling apart, all negative and dark. Every thought I have is either bad or sad.

Please heal my heart, my soul, my mind, I feel I don’t have much time.

 

( Just writing down what’s in my head )

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I’m really not going very well at the moment.

My medication isn’t helping me anymore and I have upped my dose to two tablets instead of one. Hopefully I can get in to see my doctor tomorrow because I don’t know how much longer I can feel like this. It’s like I’m living in a dream.

I sat in our garage today and just looked at the beams and thought how easy it would have been to just end it all there and then. If my son wasn’t there with me I may have done it.

They are what’s holding me here, my family. The only thing I love for is them. They would break if I left this world and I can’t do it to them.

My heart hurts, my head is fuzzy and my soul is broken. This blackness that has a hold over me is slowly winning. I thought I was a strong person but it’s kicking my arse. I have hit bottom once again. I know I have because I have hit it before. I crawled out of that hole back then, I just hope I can do it again.

I’m starting to think I may have something more than depression and anxiety. I’m starting to think I may have bipolar disorder. My father has it and I’m seeing a lot of signs in myself now. Hopefully I will get some answers soon because I really don’t like feeling this way.

I just want the happy, carefree funny me back again.

Please pray for me guys.

Things that are keeping me awake.

Cutlery. We only have two knives left, I really need to buy more.

I left the washing on the line. It was dry. I hope it doesn’t rain.

Finding the perfect journal.

Christmas stress.

Why do I eat to make myself feel better, it only ends up making me feel 10x worse!

I want to do a Christmas photo shoot with the kids.

I need to go to the toilet but I really can’t be bothered.

Maybe I force myself to stay awake so I don’t have to face the bad dreams?

Beach, Bonfire & BBQs.

We had an amazing weekend.

We went to the biggest bonfire I have ever seen.

Feed a cow that was more like a dog next to the bonfire.

Muzza took the kids fishing for the first time ever. Nash caught a nice Bream in the first 10 seconds and Harper caught a little mullet. Very proud.

Was awesome to make new memories with them.

Topped it all of with an amazing bbq lunch.

✌🏼❤️🙂

Harper Grace

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It’s that heart of gold, & that stardust soul that make you beautiful. – R.M. Broderick

My mum has always said from the moment that Harper was born that she is an angel on earth and I am certain she is right.

When I was younger all I wanted to be in life was a mum. I always dreamt of having babies someday. My mum got me a baby doll and I named her Tiffany, I took her everywhere with me. I always said if I ever have a baby girl when I grew up that would be her name haha!

Marcus and I decided that we would try for a baby when we were pretty young. I was 18, some people would say that’s a dumb thing to do but we knew that we were meant to be together.

It was exciting and scary all rolled in to one. The years passed and nothing happened. We didn’t stop trying but we just thought if it happens it happens if it doesn’t it doesn’t.

In to our mid 20s I started to think that there was something really wrong with me. I would pray to God every night to bless us with a baby but nothing.

Family members and friends were having babies left right and center and it was so hard to be happy for them.

Mother’s Day sucked because that’s all I wanted to be, a mum and it wasn’t happening. I went out and got a little baby girl outfit to keep for when it ever happened, I was convinced that my first baby would always be a girl. I wrote a letter to my not even conceived child saying how much I wanted and needed her.

We got married and then a few years later our miracle happened. The moment I saw those two little red lines on that stick my life had a whole new meaning. Everything I had ever wanted was becoming reality and I was over the moon.

There really is no words to describe the happiness and love I felt in my heart for the new life I was growing inside me.

The next 8 months were magical. I praise God for everything even the morning sickness and sleepless night. I was just so happy to be carrying my sweet baby.

Hearing that magical little healthy heartbeat pounding away made my heart skip 10 beats!

The first time I seen her on the ultrasound screen my heart melted! I burst in to tears of joy. It made it all feel so real to see our little peanut bouncing around in there.

Our second ultrasound we found out the sex…. IT’S A….. GIRL! Oh my word I was so happy. Don’t get me wrong I would have been just as happy if it was a boy but all along I knew I would have a baby girl.

She was a week overdue and I had to be induced to have her. They tried so many things to try and bring on labor but nothing was working. I had to stay in hospital overnight and in the early hours of the morning I started to have contractions.

They broke my waters and it began….hell! The worst time but the best time of my life. I was very sick and after being in labour all day and most of the night they started talking about a c section. I was fine with that it’s what I wanted. While they were organising it all Harper’s heart beat started to slow down so they rushed me for the emergency section.

Minuets passed by and it felt very strange all the tugging and movement. I could see the reflection in the light of what they where doing. Wow. That was intense. When she arrived she didn’t cry, I was so worried that there was something wrong. They took her over to the crib and did the tests that needed to be done. They wrapped her up like a burrito and put her on my chest. It was magic. My heart exploded with love. An unimaginable, overwhelming feeling of completeness.

I didn’t get to hold her for long. She was rushed off to ICU because of a temperature. She had some kind of infection in her body. They put her on an antibiotic through an IV in her arm which she had to have for a few days but she was able to stay with me while she was on it.

That night I didn’t sleep…she did, she slept like a champ. I should have been sleeping but I couldn’t, I was in awe of my real life, living, breathing baby girl! My angel. I just laid next to her and watched her sleeping all night.

Our lives become so much richer when Harper entered the world. Everyone that ever meets her falls in love with her. She has a heart of gold. She’s full of laugher and fun. She is caring, kind and compassionate. She adores her little brother. She loves animals. She loves to dance, sing and draw. She is extremely smart. She enjoys learning and loves going to school. She has a fierce side. She always thinks of others before herself.

I could go on and on about her but I have already written a bloody novel on her. Sorry about that guys, I’m very impressed if you have made it even halfway.

I feel extremely blessed and I am so grateful to God for answering my prayers and sending us our angel.

✌🏼❤️🙂

Trapped in my body.

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Right now I’m laying in bed thinking about my friends engagement party that is on next week. I have known about it for about 4 months and since knowing about it I haven’t stopped worrying about it.

I really want to attend it but my f@*king anxiety is keeping me from going.

I said I was going, I got a new dress, new shoes the works but I won’t end up going.

I feel awful, I hate letting people down. I do it all the time, I say I will do something and I don’t end up doing it.

It makes me feel so trapped, lost, worthless. I feel like a failure. I feel abnormal.

My mum got married last week and it took all my will power to go. I dreaded it. It should of been a happy occasion for everyone and it was but inside the whole time I was screaming.

Im forever thinking everyone is looking at me, picking faults with me, criticising everything I do and say.

I distance myself from the world outside my house. I hardly ever go out unless I have to in case I bump in to someone I know. If I do happen to see someone I know while I’m out I turn in to a rambling moron that makes no sense at all.

On days I have to pick Harper up from school it takes me hours to work up the courage to do it. I feel like the worst mum in the world. I want to be able to go and help out in her classroom or go on class trips with her. I want to be able to take Nash to the park or museum while Harper is at school. I want to be able to go in to a shop without feeling sick to my stomach and getting hot flushes.

I feel trapped inside myself and it really sucks. Anyone that has anxiety will know what I mean. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemies.

Most nights I don’t sleep or if I do it’s not much and when I do I have nightmares. I’m constantly thinking about the worst case scenario. Always, “ what if?” If I hear sirens I instantly think it’s a family member that’s been in an accident. I have been like it since I was in primary school.

I remember when I was in about grade 5 and I heard a siren, I pretended that I was sick so I could go to the school nurse and they would ring my mum. If she picked up I knew she was safe and it wasn’t her that was in an accident or something. If she didn’t pick up for some reason I would freak out. This happened on more then one occasion.

I want to be free of it, I don’t want to let it win and take over mylife for ever but I’m afraid that it already has.

 

 

#LHIATN

Check out my mates album! He has some mad skills. ( I don’t know why I’m putting this on here because I only have two followers and he is one of them HA!)

RAMs Blog

https://m.soundcloud.com/user-118930182

Go check out the album, free for download with a soundcloud account.

1.Luminous Hope in a Terrible Nightmare

2.#ImDifferent ft. Jordan Dudzic

3.Hevel

4.Match ft. Schimling

5.Paid For ft. SAM

(original coming Friday)

6. Vs. Depression (Interlude)

7.Never Too Far

8.This House

9.Cry ft. Blackout

10.Eliana

11.Outro

12.Somebody Else

Physical copies available

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A little about yours truly.

88B8A587-90E2-41BF-AA36-00DF18DB9CC1Where do I start.

My name is Bec, obviously. I’m 33 years old. I live in a pretty little city called Launceston which is on the island of Tasmania Australia.

I’m married to my best mate. We have been together since we were 16. We have two amazing children together, Harper 5 & Nash 3.

I don’t have a job due to my anxiety but I’m a qualified Childcare worker. Maybe when Nash goes to school I will find something.

Some of my hobbies are photography, cake decorating, camping, exploring,

I only really have 3 mates. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. I don’t really see any of them that much which sucks.

I’m close to my brother and sister. They are also my best friends ( not included in the 3 I mentioned above).

Some of my fears:

  • Death
  • Small spaces
  • Crowds
  • Upsetting people
  • Spiders
  • Crashing in to water
  • Getting old

Some of my loves:

  • Nature
  • Adventure
  • The beach
  • Movies
  • Rainy days/nights
  • Chocolate
  • Plants
  • Playing with the kids
  • Music
  • Helping people
  • Dancing

Some of my dislikes:

  • Rude arrogant people
  • Bad driving
  • Spitting
  • Olives
  • Hot weather
  • Loud chewing
  • My body
  • My nose

Anyway, that’s enough for now. Stay tuned for my next instalment. ✌🏼❤️🙂

p.s I have only just started this blogging thing so still trying to figure things out. Any tips would be very appreciated.